Marty Kruglik -- A Troubled Life Full of Hiyuhs

[Elan Reporter's Assistant]

From the beginning, Marty Kruglik's obsessions have been nothing ordinary.

Born on an Mongoloid Indian reservation in Arizona, Kruglik's father was known as the tribe's top buffalo hunter who regularly demanded his wife dress up like a moose during sex. His mother, raised on traditional tribal values that justified scalping women who dared disobey their husbands, had no choice but to comply.

It was this dysfunctional world that Marty Kruglik fell into on an unknown date in 1954. As Mongoloid Indian tradition dictates, Kruglik would be named after the first thing his father saw upon exiting the family tepee after his birth. Thus Kruglik's tribal name became "Two Mountain Lions Fucking."

As a child, Kruglik is rumored to have shunned traditional Indian children's toys such as drums and masks and instead gravitated to sodomizing stray cats that wandered onto the reservation with a tomahawk.  Troubled by behavior that, even by tribal standards, seemed bizarre, Kruglik's parents took him to a Mongoloid spiritual healer who chanted 100 hiyuh hiyuhs over the boy, then proclaimed him cured.  

If the nine-year-old Kruglik was even affected by the treatment, the positive results were short-lived.  Shortly thereafter, he was arrested for trespassing and public indecency for masturbating a tribal elder's horse.  At his arraignment, Kruglik pleaded "Hi-yuh hi-yuh... me suh innocent" and the charges were dropped due to insufficient evidence.

TO BE CONTINUED

[The Elan Reporter]

[ This Message was edited by: The Elan Reporter on 2005-10-26 06:45 ]

[Anonymous]

So the question still remains, Did Marty really say Hi yah Hiyah all the time,  Cuz in 91 he never said it, he just walked around with his head down and never said anything at all, what was he really like back then, i mean seriously, what time period were you guys there for. I only heard him speak a few times I noticed a lisp, but he never smiled or laughed and certainly didn't say hi yah hi yah. So without the fecal matter jokes or the rape joke what was he really like?

[Anonymous]

He was an arrogant, self-righteous, know-it-all bastard.  And a terrible therapist.

[Anonymous]

He also was a terrible rapist, all those abducted little boys? Poor things...And the stray cats he sodomized, sick bastard. Obviously Cruz you never really knew him.

Kruglik liked stiring the opt in every houses problems. He encouraged rings and even ran a betting pool on participants who were forced to fight in the ring.

Kruglik was and still is an asshole.

He was the descion maker for learning experiences. He would make up any excuse to see kids fight in the ring. He condoned violence and lived for rings. Him and Joe and some others use to place bets on the kids that fought in the ring, and at one time they would have over 10-20 rings in a 3 month period.

Corrupt bastards descibe Kruglik best...

[The Elan Reporter]

[ This Message was edited by: The Elan Reporter on 2005-10-26 06:45 ]

[Anonymous]

:rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:

More great suff!!!  Keep 'em coming, guys!!! :lol:

[Troll Control]

so, acording to the mongoloid indian naming convention, marty's little brother should be named "marty dancing around soiled underpants with a rubber dick in his ass."

too funny.  keep the insightful reporting coming!

[Elan Reporter's Assistant]

There will be more adventures of Marty tomorrow, culminating with his stay at Elan.  Till then, remember "the way of the Kruglik" is the path to enlightenment (and crabs, head lice and fecal contamination too).

[Anonymous]

How exactly do you stir the opt?

[Elan Reporter's Assistant]

At the age of 16, having been banished from his Mongoloid Indian tribe, Marty Kruglik was in trouble.  Though he later claimed to have shot heroin during this time, there was no evidence of him being addicted to anything other than bestiality and little boys.  

To scrounge by, Marty hitchhiked north to Illinois and lived in a tepee near an abandoned warehouse in the Chicago suburbs, working days as a street performer.  His act consisted of him dancing naked in a circle with a full headdress, shoving Easter eggs up his rectum, which he would then "lay" in a "nest," usually consisting of a spare tire.  This was followed by Marty having anal sex with squirrels, then lighting himself on fire for a period of three minutes.  He later revealed that he was never burned because of the smeared fecal matter on his body.

In 1970, race riots were almost at an all-time high in Chicago.  Being sympathetic, Marty tried to join the black people in their protests, but was frequently met with looks of disgust because of his personal hygiene and smell.  

"He always smelled like a toilet," former Black Panther Rashmel Cinque Tyrone Brown recalled.  "And his hi-yuh hi-yuh chants were really annoying.  One day, we beat the shit out of him and he didn't come back."

NEXT: Marty goes to Elan

[The Elan Reporter]

[ This Message was edited by: The Elan Reporter on 2005-10-26 06:45 ]

[Anonymous]

On 2005-07-21 09:51:00, Dysfunction Junction wrote:

"so, acording to the mongoloid indian naming convention, marty's little brother should be named "marty dancing around soiled underpants with a rubber dick in his ass."

Fucking LOL

[Anonymous]

:rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :rofl:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

Go, man, go!!!

Can't wait to hear how Marty found Elan......

[Elan Reporter's Assistant]

At 17, Marty Kruglik got a job as a price checker in a supermarket.  This job gave him unprecedented access to children who wandered away from their parents in the store.  

One day in 1971, Marty noticed a boy, about 8, eating an apple that he had not paid for.  Furious, Marty grabbed the boy, covered his mouth with his hand and dragged his into a stockroom in the back.  There, he taped the boy's mouth shut, stripped him naked and tied him to a pole.

Marty then started dancing around with a crazed Indian.  He then untied the boy and made him dance around on all fours like a buffalo while making buffalo noises.  Marty then fondled the boy's testicles and said, "Me suh teach you lesson.  You no steal."

Marty then tied the boy to the pole again and said, "Me suh gonna scalp you!"  Revealing a tomahawk, Marty swung it backwards.  Just then, the store manager walked in and said, "Kruglik, you damn crazy Injun, what the fuck are you doing?!!!"

Marty was arrested and charged with kidnapping, false imprisonment, committing a lewd act against a child and second-degree buffalo sodomy.  He was held in the Cook County Jail pending trial.  One day, a guard told Marty he had a visitor.

"Guy says his name is Joe Ricci," the guard snorted.

TO BE CONTINUED